—Anonymous It’s natural to grieve the end of a meaningful relationship, and I know that process can feel endless. Healing doesn’t happen in a vacuum. It can be time-consuming, confusing, and tiring. It’s not that reaching out is the wrong answer; you just have to consider how reconnecting with them will impact your grief. If you reach out to them and they ignore you or say they’re with someone else, will that bring you the closure you need, or will that hurt you even more and put you right back at the beginning of your grieving process? Only you know the answer. I don’t want you to undo or discredit the work you’ve done in this year. You may still have a lot of intense feelings, but there is some distance between you and this person now. You’re a year removed from the relationship. Think about whether or not you’re romanticizing them and your relationship with them in your head, or if you really don’t think you can live without them. Do you miss how you once felt, or do you truly miss the person? You are clinging to an idea, and the closure you seek may come from within. Ask yourself the tough questions before deciding whether or not to reach out, that way you know exactly what to prepare for either way. You’ve got this. —Anonymous Hopefully, he will put your mind at ease. If he and this ex are such good friends, you should probably meet her. If he’s weird about you meeting his “best friend in the world” who just happens to be his ex, that’s suspicious. He should want two people who he cares about deeply to get to know each other. The ex who he wants the two of you to have dinner with feels less strange to me. I personally get on edge when I date someone who is close with their exes, but if they prove themselves to be trustworthy, they communicate openly with me, and they don’t attempt to hide the ex from me OR me from the ex, it reduces any potential for drama or confusion. Maybe he’s just a lovely person who maintains positive relationships with exes because he’s so great, and he happens to have wonderful taste in the people he dates (like you!!!). Ultimately, if that still doesn’t sit right with you, that’s okay. If you have a firm boundary that his lifestyle doesn’t abide by, and it’s going to cause you stress and possibly strain your relationship, you may not be compatible. Definitely talk to him more to get a better sense of things before drawing too many conclusions. Things like this can go either way, and you either trust the person you’re with because they’ve given you no reason not to, or you remove yourself from a situation that isn’t healthy for you. So, you’re dating in “secret.” His family knows, but yours does not. Have you met his family? What do they think of the relationship? How have they responded to getting to know you? Do his friends know? Do YOUR friends know? Or, is your family the only group not in the loop? Those terms change my feelings on the situation a bit as well. Hopefully, everyone else is on board and your family is the last hurdle to cross. You asked about how to approach your parents “years from now.” I’m curious as to why you’ve selected that timeframe. Are you waiting until you’re through school? Depending on how close you are with your family, this feels like a really big secret to hold, especially if everyone else knows and you are serious about the prospect of marriage. I don’t know your family or your partner, so I don’t know why they may be against this relationship. But, if you have an otherwise healthy and consistent relationship with your family, I think the truth will have to come out — and sooner rather than later. If you have a more complicated relationship with your family and don’t spend much time with them, perhaps it’s okay to wait things out. But, I think keeping such a big secret if you are close with them could result in a lot of hurt. Examine why your family may not be okay with the relationship. Is it really just because of school? Think about why you’re hiding it from them. Also, take stock of how your partner’s family and friends treat you and your relationship. Hopefully, you are being treated with all the love and kindness you deserve. If this really is the person for you and you continue to be in touch with your family, they will have to know the truth. Whether you ease them into it or tell them point-blank, if you truly intend to marry this person AND you want your family to accept them, it has to start with a conversation. Sending you strength and luck! I move over to my husband’s country in a few days. His parents want us to go on a family holiday for a weekend. I said no, I don’t want to go. My husband wasn’t keen either, but we compromised and said we’d pop in for a day, but not the whole weekend. Cue the guilt-tripping — saying their son doesn’t love them anymore and they spent so much money planning this weekend. Again, we were not consulted beforehand about this trip. My poor husband took the fall, but if his parents continue guilt-tripping or make snide comments when we do visit, I want to speak up and say I was the reason we didn’t come, but I would never keep their son from them. I just didn’t feel up to a whole weekend together yet, but maybe in the future when I feel better and have forgiven them (they have not apologized because they don’t think they’ve done anything wrong), I will be ready. Any advice for how to approach this so I don’t tell my in-laws where to stick it, but also so I don’t come off like everything they did is fine?" —Anonymous I’m curious as to how your husband reacted to all of this. Assuming he also didn’t know about the reception, how did he respond to the surprise? Was he excited, mad, confused, grateful, etc.? Did he also want his parents to apologize for going behind your backs? Does he know how you feel toward his parents? Are either of you working toward mending that relationship or having an open discussion with them? Whether or not you and your husband are on the same page also heavily impacts the situation. As a couple, you probably need to have a discussion on boundaries. When it come to guilt-tripping, I find that method of communication to be passive aggressive and uncomfortable. Your in-laws could express their feelings in a more productive way, so I understand why that’s frustrating. I do think your husband needs to be the one drawing boundaries with his parents and establishing what you two, as a couple, want and expect from your relationship with them. I don’t think anything good will come from you telling them “where to stick it” because it’ll put your husband in an awkward place if he hasn’t been given the chance to communicate with them on how you’re both feeling. While I think establishing boundaries moving forward is vital, I don’t think holding grudges over the past is going to get anyone anywhere. If you were able to have a conversation with your in-laws where you, in a non-accusatory way, expressed how being excluded from the reception planning hurt you and they offered an apology, would you be able to move forward? Have you and your husband point-blank initiated any sort of interaction that could bring peace to this situation, or are unresolved issues just piling up until someone snaps? I’m sorry that they planned a reception without your input and made you feel left out, but it’s in the past now, and everyone must reckon with it. It can’t be changed, but it can be learned from. You want to move forward. How can you all be adults and address the tension? Are people willing to apologize for the sake of moving on? Can boundaries be implemented for the future? You and your husband need to get on the same page and go from there. You are a team, and you are his family now, but these are also his parents. If his relationship with them has always been largely positive and this is the one sore spot, it’s not worth potentially destroying bonds. Sometimes, the hardest conversations are the ones most worth having. Best of luck to you and your family! It sounds like this person may not be as mature as you. They are treating your situation as if it were a relationship without actually having to commit to you or give you the affirmation you need to feel secure. We don’t put up with these mind games in 2023. Relationships can be complicated, but, straight up, they either want you or they don’t. They don’t get to have it both ways if you’re feeling strung along and unfulfilled with the current level of the relationship. At some point, when you two are alone together, I think you should initiate a conversation. Express your feelings and ask where they stand. Pay close attention to their reactions, their body language, and how they choose their words. Can they be direct with you? If they can’t directly express how they’re feeling, I don’t want to see you waste your time, your energy, or your love on someone who isn’t on the same page as you. If they do actually reciprocate your feelings and just needed an extra push, great! But, it sounds like they’re letting you fill a void in their life while not actually having anything of substance to give you in return. It’s time for a big conversation, and from there, it may be time to move on. Someone out there will be able to give you the things you need without you even having to ask. My gut tells me this isn’t the person for you, at least not right now. But, you won’t know for sure until you lay it all out there. Sending you love and luck. If something feels off, communicate with them. See how they react. Express your anxieties. You don’t want to attack them or be accusatory, but it’s worth starting a dialogue. “I feel this way because of X, Y, and Z.” How they receive that information will hopefully help you see if A) your anxieties are getting in the way of your relationship and your communication, or if B) there is something missing in the relationship that it takes for you to feel secure. This is a battle I fight too often. Sending love.
